Family First

A conversation I had today got my mind moving (I like it when that happens).  The consensus was that putting off even considering marriage or family until after going through school and establishing a steady career with a solid bank account was the smartest choice a person could make about having kids.  This was one of those conversations that was not set up for discussion, but for passive consent, so speaking up would probably have been inappropriate even if I were clever enough to quickly think of a way to express what needed to be said without being overbearing.  (I save my venting of those thoughtless conversations for another day). 

Many misguided thoughts seem to have noble foundations.  This conversation was no exception.  The group tried to praise choices that lead to more opportunities and to belittle those that lead to fewer opportunities.  This is a noble endeavor.  I don’t even know anyone who would argue that choosing bondage is better than freedom (2 Nephi 2:27), except to say that short term bondage sometimes leads to long term freedom (Mosiah 21:13).  Freedom, and by freedom I mean the ability to select more desirable paths, either in quantity or quality, is good to have (John 8:32). 

The conversation turned from noble to ugly when the assumption was made that family is a choice that leads to fewer desirable options.  Do people really believe that?  Many people joke as if it were true, but how many people are so deceived that they would actually say that family leads to less ability to choose happiness (i.e. freedom [Genesis 2:18])?  I guess that the answer is too many.  Though, I might guess that everyone who does believe that falls into one of two categories: a) single (I say single, but I really mean anyone who has not had children, even if they are married); b) unprepared parents. 

I’ve just made a very audacious statement, so I better support it.  I don’t mean to offend anyone who does not fall under category a, and yet agrees that family is a freedom destroyer.   Then again, I guess I do want to ruffle your feathers (at least a little).  What should I (a father of less than 18 months, whose brain probably finished developing not much more than a few months prior to becoming a father) know about being prepared for parenthood?  Admittedly, not much, but I know enough. 

Perhaps I should break down preparedness into a few categories: intellectual, financial, and emotional.  I’m going to try to develop a very few criteria for each to explain what I think it means to be prepared for parenthood. 

Intellectual Preparedness 

Do you know that humans are mortal?  Do you know that we would all like to stay like that for a little while (like seven decades, or maybe more)?  Do you know how to communicate with someone who has kept a life in mortality for a considerable amount of time (thirty years or more)?  If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, congratulations, you meet the criteria for intellectual preparedness.  You may not know everything it takes took keep a soul alive, but you know someone who does and you can learn as you go along. 

Financial Preparedness 

Do you have a room (walls and floor are recommended, but nonetheless, optional) that can keep you warm (air temperature about 65 degrees Fahrenheit or warmer) in the winter?  Do you know how to get food to eat (and as much as people may try to convince you otherwise, ramen does qualify as food)?  Are you not naked?  If you answered “yes” to each of these questions (and I don’t really care to know if you didn’t answer “yes” to the third question), you are financially prepared.  You may have thought that being clear of all debt would be necessary before being ready to have children, but people do it often and with great success.  If you think that owning TV’s, cars, or fancy furniture is necessary before joining the ranks of parenthood, first, spend some time with a toddler and see how much you like the thought of your nice furniture and the toddler being in the same room.  Then, read what I have to say about emotional preparedness. 

Emotional Preparedness 

So, I’m not really going to try to set criteria for this category.  Surely, if I tried to do so, I would be in way over my head.  This is a difficult area to qualify.  Rather than set up some hard and fast criteria for emotional preparation, perhaps I can present some helpful guidelines. 

Do you know how to cope with stress?  I would guess that the best of parents, might at times answer “no” to this question.  Still, emotionally prepared parents understand that life is not perfect and do not get discouraged when things go wrong (1 Peter 4:12).  Perhaps they will say things they shouldn’t, they might cause harm to people they dearly love (Romans 3:23).  But, emotionally prepared parents make restitution when things go awry, and then they keep moving on. 

Do you know that you want a family?  This is probably important enough to label as a criterion.  The trick is remembering the answer.   Sometimes, parents get tired of reading Are You My Mother fifty-one times in a row.  Sometimes, parents don’t want to get out of bed at three o’clock in the morning to change a diaper.  Sometimes, parents don’t like the fact the decibel level in them seldom falls below a roaring 50.  Sometimes, parents don’t want to spend every date night in the living room, because it’s too difficult (or perhaps just too late) to find a babysitter.  

Before you category a’s and b’s  say, “told you so,” may I try to help you see the bigger picture.  Maybe I don’t want to read Are You My Mother one more time, but I do it because the fifty-first time that my daughter toddles over to me with the book in hand is just as adorable as the first.  Maybe I don’t want to wake up at three in the morning to change a diaper, but sometimes it’s even harder to want to go back to bed at three-fifteen in the morning when I’ve got my girl asleep in my arms.  Maybe I would like a quieter house from time to time, but I would never dream of asking my girl to stop babbling or singing.  Maybe I don’t want to spend every date night in the living room, but I'd rather do that than miss out on hearing my girl laugh as I chase her around the house to get her to put her pajamas on. 

Now, I would like to return to a thought to which I alluded toward the beginning of this article.  Sometimes, a little restriction up front leads to a wider array options later.  Freedom isn’t always about having the most options available.  Sometimes, freedom is strictly a matter of having the best option available.  So, you a’s and b’s can go on being excited that you get to choose to not read Are You My Mother, and whatever other options you have available.  Personally, I chose to explore the world through fatherhood rather than through traveling the world, through focusing on an advanced degree, or through ensuring my own financial stability.  I chose it, and the options available to me now are so much more desirable to me than any that might have been available to me if I had put my family in second place.