Lord, Is It I

Mosiah 2:27

I recently felt prompted to write a song based on President Uchtdorf’s October 2014 General Conference address which in turn was based on verses 21 and 22 in Matthew 26.  After reading through the lyrics, my brother asked me what thoughts and feelings led to writing the worlds.  I’m glad he did.  It’s given me a chance to look a little deeper into my own thoughts and to figure out what it is I hope the song will accomplish.

To me, one of the most complicated questions about life is the question of freewill.  Do we any of us have some sort of a say in what happens in our own universe?  Are all our actions predetermined by the environments in which we're found?  If you really want to get crazy, you can wonder whether quantum mechanics has anything to do with everyday life, making our lives a mixture of all the choices we could possibly make all strung together.

A lot of us just assume that we have freewill because we don't see everything that influences our choices.  There are perhaps many determinists who view life as a complex conglomeration of several chemical reactions that must inevitably (or at least probably) happen in the right environment, leaving no room for freewill to dictate any aspect of life.  Some choose to believe that they have no freewill because without freewill they cannot be guilty of anything.  Others choose to believe that that they do have freewill because only with freewill can people make the world a better place.   Regardless, I think it's a complicated question worth considering (at least from time to time).

According to the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the question of freewill was discussed before, but in a slightly different way.  Satan once tried to take away the agency of man and a third of the hosts of heaven followed him and were lost (Moses 4:1-4).  This conflict was so great and so terrible that members of the Church of Jesus Christ usually refer to it as the war in heaven.  Freewill is such an important concept because without it, we could never be truly happy.

In the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, the prophet Nephi described two types of people.  There are those who want to act and those who want to be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:26).  I understand that to mean that some people want to feel like their choices will have some sort of a noticeable impact and others are content to view themselves as mere observers in a grand cosmic drama.

For members of the church, freewill is not even a question.  Everyone has moral agency, the power to choose.  The question is what we will do with it.  Although in practice it gets pretty complicated, in theory Mormon doctrine can boil down to one simple idea: you will be happy if you choose happiness and you will be miserable if you choose misery.

So, how do we go about choosing happiness?  Well, that is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us.  There are many beautiful intricacies and corollaries included in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, enough so that brilliant minds have dedicated their lives to studying them and could not find the end.  As complex as the Gospel of Jesus Christ is, it can be summed up in just a few simple lines: to be purely happy you must love God and your neighbor (Matthew 22:36-39; Mark 12:28-31; D&C 14:7).  By accepting the teaching of King Benjamin, that you serve God by serving your fellowmen (Mosiah 2:27), you really just need to worry about the second part, loving your neighbor.

I don't believe this theme is unique to Christians.  I can't say I know a lot about the world, but so many philosophies seem to encourage concepts that (at least to me) are similar to love: teamwork, unity, etc.  These aren't just considered valuable in religious contexts, but in business as well.  Even in competition, when there's more focus on enjoying the game than winning the game, opposing teams work together to challenge each other in order to demonstrate a more complete range of skills (I think this is depicted well in the movie Akeelah and the Bee).

1 Corinthinas 12 describes the church of Christ being a single body made up of many members.  This illustration points out that we are all a part of each other.  We are together.  This is most certainly true regardless of what you chose to believe.  We are all part of the same universe.  What affects any one of us could affect all us, and we need to understand that if we are ever going to be truly happy.

I could go on and on, but I'm afraid I may have lost a few readers already (sometimes I wish I were an angel that I could explain the wish of my heart more clearly and concisely).  To reiterate what I have been trying to say, it's really easy to do what is right: just love your neighbor.  You have a choice and if you choose love you will be happy.  What's more, we also have an unlimited supply of do-overs at hand just in case we ever make the wrong choice.  To put that in perspective, it's as if the Lord gave us a single item, true-false test with the answer key, and an infinite number of retakes to let us get the answer right.  And yet we often fear we're going to fail.

I know it sounds close minded, but I really, honestly, with all my heart, no joking, believe that I know exactly what I need to do to be happy for now and for all time and eternity, and it's not that hard to do.  I need to try to work with those around me to make the world a better place and keep trying.  I need to let bygones be bygones and keep moving forward to do my best. Oftentimes, I do follow this prescription, and every time I do, it works.  I should have a perfect life.

I should have a perfect life, but I don't.  Why not?  What's gone wrong?  Even though some people would argue otherwise, I don't believe that happiness is at all diminished by external forces.  I'll admit that the trials I have endured are pretty pathetic when compared with many others. I can't say I would keep my chin up if I were to lose any of my dearest loved ones.  I don't know how I would be affected if I had been betrayed by most trusted confidant.  I would like to say that with sorrow in my heart I would look heavenward, pray for strength, and so carry on with my normal life, striving to do what is right.  But, I don't know.

I have faith that if I will choose to love my neighbor, I will be purely happy.  I have never had my faith shaken by any trial I've gone through (tested, yes, and tried, you bet, but not shaken).  The formula always seems to work in any circumstance (at least for me it always, always, has), but something else does seem to keep me from happiness: my choice.

It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  I want to be happy.  I believe that I know what I need to do in order to be happy.  I know I can do what I think I need to do to be happy.  And, yet I choose something else.  I'm sitting there, staring at the test.  I have the answer sheet in my hand.  The answer sheet says that the answer is true. I want to pass the test.  The examiner gave me the answer sheet and asked me to use it to pass the test so there is absolutely no ethical or moral reason that I should try to pretend that I don't have the answer key.  I try to figure out the problem for myself.  Using my own reasoning, I believe that the answer is true.  The consequence for answering correctly is perfect reward.  The consequence for answering incorrectly is pure punishment.  There is absolutely nothing to keep me from answering the question correctly.  I just need to mark true.  I mark false.

Have you ever felt as if you had done something similar to that?  Well, I have.  There have been times were I have made choices I thought were wrong, and no matter how much I think about it, I cannot come up with any reason for the choice I make.  I just plain answer wrong.

Fortunately, I have the grace of Christ.  I honestly and firmly believe that if I just rely on His Atonement, He will save me from my all of my bad choices from the most silly to the most severe.  Sometimes I wonder if I rely too much on his grace, but I have the promise that as long as I am willing to ask forgiveness I can be forgiven (Doctrine and Covenants 64:7).

So, I find myself with this inner conflict. On one hand, I believe that I have been given the key to happiness, along with the ability and right to use it.  On the other hand, I catch myself choosing not to use it for no good reason at all.  I think I can understand Peter, at least a little bit, when he says to the Lord (and I believe in all sincerity), "though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended" (Matthew 26:33).  Sometimes, though perhaps misguidedly, I may even draw my sword to protect those I love (Matthew 26:51).  Shamefully, I must admit that I too at times have by my actions declared "I know not the Man" (Matthew 26:74).  Thinking about these times, I certainly wonder, when the Lord says someone betrayed Him, "Lord, is it I?" (Mathew 26:21-22).

I do wonder a little.  I wonder, from time to time, whether I actually am as free as I believe I am. I also wonder if the path I'm on is even the right one.  But, each time I wonder, always come back to the same conclusion.  The answer really is that simple.  I can choose to be happy.  And even though I fail sometimes to do what I know is right, if I just endure with faith unto the end, the Lord will give me a chance to testify, "yea, Lord, thou knowest that I love thee" (John 21:15-19).